fred.garvin
10-07-2015, 09:45 PM
Hello Outdoor Trading Post! Fred Garvin here (not my real name). I was referred here by Mr. Rice Paddy Daddy. (At least I think Rice Paddy Daddy is a man. Maybe he is a woman. Or maybe a man-woman transformer. It doesn't matter since I am pretty sure Rice Paddy Daddy is not his real name.) Anyhoo, he said I would find a lot of my friends here.
A lot has happened in my life since we last spoke. First, my wife Spud (not her real name) taught me about paragraphs. Second, last weekend we enjoyed a great American tradition here in the East South West: the Fall round-up! Since we do not have any cattle, we decided to round up chickens. We invited Spud's whole family over, even her cousin Albert (not his real name) from Omaha. Albert is kind of introverted and likes to bang his head on things if you make direct eye contact. So we try to avoid stressful situations with him. But otherwise, he is a really nice guy in a quiet introverted sort of way.
We even roasted a pig! I had never roasted a pig before. Boy do they make noise when you first start the fire!
Spud's little sister Doris, who I think is mildly retarded, even came. We pay her to do small jobs around the house. So while the men of the family were busy with the rough and tumble world of the round up, we paid Doris 75 cents to do the once a month cleaning of Dave's litterbox. I don't think she appreciated the opportunity much though because about 15 minutes into it she was screaming and throwing poo all over the rest of our guests. The effort ended with her filling my underwear drawer with clumps of urine soaked cat litter.
Spud's mom, Ginger (Not her real name) came by with her usual quart of Gilbey's gin. She is always the life of the party. As usual at these family gatherings, the afternoon ended with Ginger topless and passed out on my couch in the livingroom. Thankfully, somebody had the sense to cover her with a blanket before I turned into a homo permanently.
We even got a call from Spud's little brother Jimmy (not his real name) who finally made it to Dallas in his pope-mobile. He only got mugged twice on the trip; once in Oklahoma City and once in Ft Worth. They stole one of his prosthetic feet but he was able to fashion a replacement from a piece of styrofoam from a box that a microwave oven came in.
So that has been my life recently. How are all of you, my friends, doing?
A lot has happened in my life since we last spoke. First, my wife Spud (not her real name) taught me about paragraphs. Second, last weekend we enjoyed a great American tradition here in the East South West: the Fall round-up! Since we do not have any cattle, we decided to round up chickens. We invited Spud's whole family over, even her cousin Albert (not his real name) from Omaha. Albert is kind of introverted and likes to bang his head on things if you make direct eye contact. So we try to avoid stressful situations with him. But otherwise, he is a really nice guy in a quiet introverted sort of way.
We even roasted a pig! I had never roasted a pig before. Boy do they make noise when you first start the fire!
Spud's little sister Doris, who I think is mildly retarded, even came. We pay her to do small jobs around the house. So while the men of the family were busy with the rough and tumble world of the round up, we paid Doris 75 cents to do the once a month cleaning of Dave's litterbox. I don't think she appreciated the opportunity much though because about 15 minutes into it she was screaming and throwing poo all over the rest of our guests. The effort ended with her filling my underwear drawer with clumps of urine soaked cat litter.
Spud's mom, Ginger (Not her real name) came by with her usual quart of Gilbey's gin. She is always the life of the party. As usual at these family gatherings, the afternoon ended with Ginger topless and passed out on my couch in the livingroom. Thankfully, somebody had the sense to cover her with a blanket before I turned into a homo permanently.
We even got a call from Spud's little brother Jimmy (not his real name) who finally made it to Dallas in his pope-mobile. He only got mugged twice on the trip; once in Oklahoma City and once in Ft Worth. They stole one of his prosthetic feet but he was able to fashion a replacement from a piece of styrofoam from a box that a microwave oven came in.
So that has been my life recently. How are all of you, my friends, doing?